So I’m writing this while on the plane finally flying home from O’Hare after a three hour layover, and came up with a new MullerOver segment called “And Another Thing!” It’s quiet, dark, and my knees taste funny.
In thinking about my time at O’Hare, I remember the nice intercom woman who warned everyone that the current threat level is high at “Orange”. I thought, “Orange”! That’s not good. I looked around – and everyone looked suspicious. They were going about their day, wheeling their luggage behind them which is exactly how a terrorist would act. I wondered if I should tackle that woman over there and put her in a headlock until authorities arrive? Then again, she might hit me with her walking cane.
Do you know what everyone in the airport did when they heard that we were at “Code Orange”? Absolutely nothing. Really – it’s almost as if they didn’t realize that they most likely had moments to live according the the Department of Homeland Security. For more than three years, we’ve been at “high” security at the airports. Well, that’s just plain ridiculous. You can’t be at high, unless there’s also a normal. If the current level of alertness is the new normal, it should be reset to blue. It reminds me of McDonalds having three sizes of drinks: medium, large and bladderbuster. You can’t have a medium without a small, or else the old medium is the new small. You get the picture. Ridiculous.
And another thing … in the TSA security line, do you get the impression that it’s an elaborate “Candid Camera” bit that just never ends? I can see Alan Funt saying to the camera, “What will happen when we come up with silly demands of the travelers at the airport. Let’s watch …” Then the agent warns everyone to take off their shoes or the plane will blow up. Take off your coat – but don’t put it on in the basket. Directly on the belt. If you put it on in the basket, it will blow up. OK – now take your shampoo out of your luggage and put it put it in a ziplock bag. Your mouthwash too. Wait – you have more than three ounces? It will blow up.
And another thing … what’s with the guy driving the stretch golf cart through the terminal honking at everyone to get out of the way. People are diving to the side, rescuing their children from the oncoming crazy indoor driver. Does anyone know if this is allowed? All we know is some irate old guy is driving through the center of the busy concourse shouting with his horn, “Get outta the way – I’m driving through the airport with a golf cart!”
And another thing – does Hudson News have any idea how much stuff is supposed to cost? Four bucks for a bag of Chex Mix? And don’t even think about getting that packet of Kleenex without alerting your credit card company. And why do the adult-sized shirts that say “Chicago” cost $12, but the kids-sized shirts that say, “Chicago” cost $22.95. I call the difference the “traveling-parent guilt tax”.
Well, we’re getting close to home and I’m still in seat 2A on the plane. Just in case, I click my heels three times and quietly say to myself, ”there’s no place like home.” Nothing happens. Darn. And my knees still taste bad.