You might have seen that Facebook has now crossed 350,000,000 users. Really! The MullerOver editors did some fact checking on Wikipedia, and it turns out that if Facebook was a country, it would be the third largest in the world behind China and India. Like any country, the social networking site has it’s share of idiosyncrasies.
For instance, Facebook has become that gossipy friend everyone telling everyone what you’re doing. Each day, it announces to all your friends, “I heard that Jim is now friends with Betty Sue. I’m just telling you what I heard.” Try to now plan a surprise party without Facebook being that friend that ruins everything. Facebook’s live feed would announce, “Chris is planning a surprise party for you.”
And another thing … do you remember when MySpace was cool? Now, mention MySpace to a Facebook user and you’ll receive a superior snort of derision. That’s SOOO 2005. Or what about the omnipresent founder of MySpace named Tom (pictured left – you remember him). Believe it or not, since he is a human, he now has a Facebook page as well. That’s like George Steinbrenner caught wearing a Red Sox cap or Bill Gates typing away on a Mac Book Pro at Starbucks. Or Michael Moore putting a “Palin in 2012″ bumpersticker on his Hummer.
And another thing … what’s with all these MafiaWars gifts we get everyday? I’ve got enough imaginary lead pipes and sawed off shotguns to take on an imaginary army. I’m really not sure what MafiaWars is all about, but based on how often its played, it seems to be more addictive than crack. I’m wondering if Mafia Wars should be regulated by the FDA. We’re worried about legalizing marijuana when these addicted Mafia Wars people have been sitting in a dark room surrounded by empty pizza boxes.
Then again, maybe that would solve our prison overcrowding problem. Instead of putting them in cells, just give the criminals a Facebook account with Mafia Wars and we’d never hear from them again.
And another thing – according to Time Magazine, the popular Facebook app FarmVille now has 65,000,000 users! If Mafia Wars is crack,FarmVille is Crystal Meth. If you aren’t aware of it, FarmVille is where users tend to an imaginary plot of farm land to grow imaginary food. OK – let me recap some of the world’s problems. Starvation in Africa, overweight, inactive people in the United States and CO2 buildup from a lack of vegetation. Here’s an idea – let’s give those FarmVille users a real plot of land to do real farming and blingo blammo – all the world’s problems are solved! That’s going to be my main platform for my 2012 run for the presidency (watch my Facebook status updates for details).
And another thing … how about we make a rule against ambiguous status updates. Too often I see updates like, “Boy – I hope these charges don’t stick.” That could either mean the FBI finally caught onto them, or credit card regret after an overenthusiastic Black Friday shopping trip or a lament against winter static cling.
Well, we’d better get back to Facebook. Now since the site is the third largest country in the world, India and China should be a little worried. After all, we’re all heavily armed with imaginary Mafia Wars weapons, and enough FarmVille food to feed an army. If only we could do an imaginary sneak attack without the Facebook live feed ruining the surprise.