Ties are for Boardrooms and Bread Bags, not World Cup Games

Soccer has one very basic rule.  No one can use their hands except for the goal keeper.  Unfortunately, someone forgot to tell the second part of the rule to English goal-keeper, Robert Green.

Robert Green's secret of soaking his hands in vegetable oil before a game may have backfired

Green missed a goal that even Queen Elizabeth could have stopped.

In perhaps the most anticipated match-up between the U.S. and England since the Battle of Bunker Hill, the U.S. took on the English in round one of the World Cup.  And like that Battle in 1775, the Americans showed that we weren’t going to be the push-overs that the English expected.

But – we don’t find that goal the troublesome part of the game.  It’s the score that keeps our editors up at night.  One-to-one.  What?  That’s not a score but a type of conversation.  Sports scores should have two, maybe three digits per side.  In the case of a tie, teams should keep playing until the players drop like flies in exhaustion and it’s just the two goal keepers left standing.

One-to-one is just plain un-American.  Since for the past week, Americans have shown a passing interest in soccer (or toe-ball or whatever they call it everywhere else), we believe we owe it to the world to help them make it interesting.  These ideas aren’t satirical, but real suggestions to allow soccer to have a chance of catching on.   You’re welcome, World.

Idea #1:  Add two additional balls to the game. With three balls in play, the strategy would increase exponentially, as well as the popcorn-chomping entertainment value.  Teams could spread out the balls to split the defense, or consolidate them to keep them guessing.

We're not sure where this team is from, but we're guessing Canada by the color of their handbags

Idea #2:  Introduce a penalty box. Like hockey, soccer could use power plays.  Generally soccer penalties seem to be meaningless.  Perhaps a 1-2 man advantage could change that.

Idea #3:  Allow checking and tackling. If football and hockey have taught us anything, it’s that people love to see someone get cracked in the side.  As a secondary rule, we think goal keepers should be allowed to run the entire field while holding the ball.  Don’t forget, tackling is now allowed.  See how this gets more interesting?

Idea #4: Let George Steinbrenner have a team in the Premier League. Who knows how to buy talent better than old George.  Until the Americans can dominate in a sport, we don’t really care.  Sorry world – it’s the truth.  So, our monopolistic team owner could get Beckham, Ronaldo, and maybe Pele on the same team to stomp over the rest of the world.  That’s how we roll.

You see, soccer has potential.  FIFA stats may say that 2.2 billion people will watch some portion of the tournament, but with a few modifications, who knows, it could finally catch on!