Anyone who was around in the 80’s knows Hans and Franz, the recurring Schwarzeneggar wanna-be’s on Saturday Night Live played by Dana Carvey and Kevin Nealon. The plot was hilarious – the two Austrian accented jugheads would talk about how much they loved working out, flexing their muscles, and lamented the existence of “girly men” who didn’t share their passion for biceps and pectorals.
The premise was that they were real men. And their hero, the manliest man of them all, was Arnold Schwarzenegger. Arnold could battle aliens. Fight the Russians. And save the world many times over.
And I kind of believed it.
But now that the special effects operators have gone home along with the writers and stunt men, we see Arnold not as a man, but as the pathetically small little boy that he is.
You see, he had an affair with his live in housekeeper of seven years at the time. Let’s call that pathetic strike number one. Then he didn’t man up and talk to his wife, but like a coward, kept it a secret for 14 years humiliating her especially while his mistress lived in their house. That there is pathetic strike number two.
But the third strike is a doozy, miles into girly-man land. He had a son fourteen years ago, and kept it a secret from everyone, including his son. With that, we’ve now exited being a man, and now he’s categorized on the MullerOver scale as slightly less loving than a sperm donor. And worst of all, there’s an awkward fourteen year old teenage boy who by many reports is the butt of countless jokes among his friends and late night comedians.
Not because his dad didn’t know that he existed or where he was. But because the elder Schwarzenegger is a politically driven coward. Word of having a son could hurt his political career.
Michael Reagan, the adopted son of the former president, had an especially poignant column this week.
Michael writes, “I keep hearing chattering heads on TV referring to the boy as Schwarzenegger’s ‘illegitimate’ son. It makes my blood boil. Listen, there’s no such thing as an illegitimate child. There are only illegitimate parents.” (emphasis added)
There are no truer words, Michael. Let’s see if Arnold has any hero in him. Let’s see if finally defends his son, and sets things right with his wife, even if it costs him everything.
Arnold, you’ve been letting your family float out there in the wind for a month now. There’s still time to man up and be a dad.