We’re fully in the swing of the Republican Primary season, and our research staff has been poring through the results to accurately predict the winner. Based on our extensive research of the candidates, experience and positions on key policies, we’ve found that the best indicator of political success is a ridiculous first name and somewhat recognizable, two syllable last name. Due new rules from Sarbanes Oxley, HIPAA, SOPA, and the NFL, we’ve decided to proactively make our research results public. So, below is our ultra-scientific analysis of the candidates, followed by the indisputable winner this year.
Newt Gingrich. Not long ago, the mention of his name would have caused children and adults alike to giggle. His name has a subliminal message of things that Republican voters like including “New and Rich”. But, our testing has also found less desirable sounds including “Ewww” and “Itch”.
Ron Paul – Without question, a normal first name is the kiss of death in modern presidential politics. And if you have two normal first names, you’re campaign chances are pretty much screwed.
Mitt Romney: A compound name made up of three common terms: Mitt, ROM, and knee. Mitt: A leathery old glove that can take repeated punishment, but develops sentimental value. ROM – part of a computer. Knee, something that is constantly bending. Romney’s name is not perfect, but we think good enough to be Secretary of State.
Rick Santorum – His last name sounds a little too much like “sanitarium” which is logical for Congress. Our research staff recommends Rick to consider rearranging and changing his name to “Rum Santa”. If he did that, there would be no reason to even have an election.
Barack Obama. Frankly, we think our president’s name sounds like a new character on the Flintstones. It has strength with “rock” and “bam”, along with the protection of “Ma”. His nutty first name was enough to propel him to the White House, but we believe voters won’t be able to get past his three syllable last name in 2012.
Our Conclusion: Our research staff did go through tens of millions of constitutionally eligible Americans and have discovered the single perfect candidate. One with an absurd first name, and recognizable, two syllable last name. One who will lead us into the future, and possibly sing his addresses to Congress.
Although early in the season, the MullerOver research staff believes we have enough evidence to call the winner of the 2012 election to be … Dweezil Zappa. Congratulations President Zappa!