You see, each card on it’s own is relatively meaningless.  Their value is only determined in how well they can play a part in a total, winning hand.

And if you find yourself in the predicament of a hopeless hand, you can draw five new cards to replace your whole hand.

On November 2nd, each of us will decide if we as a nation have a winning hand in Congress.  

Minority Leader John Boehner attacks Speaker Nancy Pelosi with a mallet while she desperately fights him off

Every freshman congressperson comes in with a fresh idealism, but is heavily outnumbered by the crotchety old establishment and that light of hope is eventually extinguished.

Let’s put politics aside for a moment.  We need idealists.  We need fresh perspectives.  We need a complete turn-over.

A legal revolution, but one that brings as dramatic results as the first one.

For the first time in our 234 year history, we finally need a 435 card draw.

I find this comforting – no, downright exciting!  Not that the universe popped into existence, but that you and I just might be smarter than Stephen Hawking.

The article is interesting, although somewhat desperate like a kid trying to come up with an elaborate excuse on why the cookie jar is empty.

Hawking ironically quotes Isaac Newton and the anthropic principle giving much more credence to the existence of a creator that not. While he condescendingly talks about modern science over man’s historical ignorance, he also defies the most basic rules of the scientific method:  to go where the evidence leads, and not where you want it to go.

Let’s take out the physics jargon, and break this down to the most basic elements.

Fact 1: First law of thermodynamics.  Matter is not created nor destroyed.  Period.  Matter can turn into energy and energy into matter, but it’s impossible to net-net create or destroy either. That law has never been violated.

Fact 2: We’ve got an awful lot of matter around us.

So, that brings us to what now is two theories:

Hypothesis 1. Something or someone outside of physical laws created the universe.  (aka God)

Hypothesis 2. The universe just happened with no cause or reason.  Just spontaneously appeared like Samantha from the TV show Bewitched twitching her nose.

Hawking goes on, “As recent advances in cosmology suggest, the laws of gravity and quantum theory allow universes to appear spontaneously from nothing. Spontaneous creation is the reason there is something rather than nothing, why the universe exists, why we exist.”

Wait – did he say, “universes to appear spontaneously from nothing”?   Sigh.  Hawking gives not even a hint as to why, but just says, “as recent advances in cosmology suggest”.  In other words, “I’m Stephen Hawking so just trust me.”  I’m less convinced that Stephen Hawking exists.

Why would Stephen Hawking, a normally brilliant and rational scientist, come up with such desperate, unproven and frankly far-fetched theory?  Maybe the last line of Hawking’s article gives a clue.

Although we are puny and insignificant on the scale of the cosmos, this makes us in a sense the lords of creation.

We’re the gods?  OK – got it.

Remember that movie in 1998 called, “The Truman Show”. It’s the far-fetched film where all the daily activities of a guy named Truman Burbank were sent around the world for all the world to watch. It’s wildly entertaining premise, but fortunately our society never got to the point where one person’s life was broadcast to 500 million people.

No, we made 500 million shows  that get broadcast to virtually no one.

And you’re on it. Yeah you. Hi there. You’ve got something in you teeth … wait, it’s gone now.

You see, it’s Facebook. And Twitter. And You Tube.

When “The Truman Show” was filmed in 1998, the very thought of all of our lives being broadcast for all the world to see was horrifying. Where’s the privacy? Where’s the modesty?  But, in 2010, it’s the way we choose to live.

George Orwell’s book, 1984, has finally come true.  But – somehow we as a society took a left turn that Orwell couldn’t possibly have imagined.  We are not only complicit, we are actually actively pushing the content to Big Brother.

In fact, some have gone so far, and are so self-absorbed and arrogant, that they’re writing blogs that no one actually reads.  Nuts, isn’t it?  Am I right readers?

Hello readers?  Anyone there?

Or – put it this way.  Using your posts from and about you, our friends in the government can know what you’re thinking.  We at MullerOver believe that if both Google and the CIA are involved, it has to be a good idea.

“Preposterous!” you say?  Yeah,  Google and the CIA knew you’d think that.

To demonstrate how this technology works, we at MullerOver thought we’d give this technology a spin.  We’re going to read your thoughts and put what you’re thinking in italics.

Whatever.  This MullerOver site is so idiotic.  How do they stay in business?

Well, there you go.  Your first thought read by the mighty power of Google and the CIA.

Wait – how did you do that?

You see, Google and the CIA can use all those Facebook posts, search terms as well as things people say about you figure out what you’d think in every situation.  When they put all these together, they can know everything that will ever happen.

OK – this is freaking me out.  Can you please stop reading my thoughts?

Too late.  Google had indexed you.   For now on, everything you do can be predicted by the fine people over at the Central Intelligence Agency.

Purple elephants!

Yeah – that was an obvious try.  Please don’t try to trick the power of Google.

Google CEO, Eric Schmidt, knowingly reading Obama's thoughts before he says them

Back to the story.  This new arrangement doesn’t necessarily mean that Google and the CIA are in bed together.  But – we did see the CIA give Google that “come hither” look when they thought no one was looking.

In fact, earlier this year, Google turned to the NSA to help them with security.  But as Wired puts it, Google “pinky swears” that they aren’t doing anything wrong.

Stupid Google.   I should have known not to trust them.

We at MullerOver aren’t going to tell you what to think, but are you sure you want to be thinking that kind of thing?  You know Google can make your life miserable.

You’re right.  I love you Google.

Now you’re getting it.  We love you too Google.  Now don’t kill us while we sleep.

If you haven’t been there, in Jamaica, people have little money and live near the shore eating coconuts and lying in hammocks.

In the United States, people work 40-60 hours per week plus several hours commuting in high stress jobs to earn enough money to possibly earn a five day vacation somewhere like Jamaica lying on a hammock and drinking out of a coconut.

Come to think of it, which one was rich and which was poor?

But there is a job that is so hazardous, so deadly, that we’re wondering if there should be a law against people taking this role.  We call on Congress to begin hearings to regulate this profession and to stop people from what appears to be certain doom – child actor.

We all know the others:  Gary Coleman, Todd Bridges, Dana Plato, McCauley Culken, Britney Spears, etc.

Now, a Judge Marsha Revel of Los Angeles had to do what Lindsay Lohan’s parents refused to do for her whole life:  send her to her room.  This time for 90 days.

The problem appears that during their formative years, these young people never get the humility comes with growing up.  They’re not picked on at the playground.  And they’re surrounded by adults who dote on their every move.

So, what can we do now to prevent another Danny Bonaduce fiasco?  We suggest  as part of growing up, these actors must get the “real kid-experience” for a three month camp every year.  Hire bullies to chase them around the neighborhood.  Have siblings give them “charlie horses” at random times throughout the day.  And – give them normal kid chores to do around the house and live off a $2/week allowance rather than $2K per week.

Lindsey is getting an intense 90 day dose now.  Who knows – we might just like her when she comes out.

Steve Jobs with subliminal message to followers, "Reward Us by Stayin'"

For those MullerOver readers who haven’t been following this story, Steve Jobs is the leader of a fast growing cult marked by followers carrying his electronic tracking devices in their pocket and superior snorts of derision at any mention of Microsoft.

On Friday, to the shock and tears of millions and in response to the scandal called “antennae-gate”, Jobs told the crowd, “You know, we’re not perfect.”

But – still few believed it.

One follower immediately clarified to our MullerOver correspondent, “Note that he said ‘we’re not perfect’ meaning the entire Apple employee base.  That doesn’t necessarily imply that Jobs himself isn’t divine.”

Although he normally appears to his followers only once per year with a larger than life video screens followed by cultists camping outside his worship centers called “Apple Stores” for days at a time, Friday’s appearance was a special treat for the Apple-heads everywhere.

One of our editors listening to the possibilities

Our MullerOver on-staff geologist, Jacques, may have finally earned his keep when he rushed into our editorial meeting with boxes of charts and graphs like “Doc” Brown from Back to the Future.  It turns out that there’s a story here – far beyond the oil-slicked beaches – that few are talking about.

We’ve known for decades that the Gulf of Mexico is sitting on top of immense deposits of natural gas called methane which has been safely contained for eons.  However, scientists have warned that the gas is under pressure far beyond what drilling equipment can handle.  Where most drill heads are under 1,500 pounds per square inch of pressure, these deposits are thought to be between 30,000-100,000 pounds per square inch.

And – there’s growing speculation that BP accidentally pierced that methane bubble like popping a balloon.  The same gas which caused the Deep Water Horizon rig to explode could get far worse.

According to an Associated Press article, “at least 4.5 billion cubic feet of natural gas — and possibly almost twice that amount — have leaked since April 20. That’s based on estimates from the U.S. Geological Survey’s ‘flow team’ that 2,900 cubic feet of natural gas are escaping for every barrel of oil.”

MullerOver on-staff Geologist, Jacques, explaining the science

Wait – back up – did they say “billion” with a “B”?

“This is the most vigorous methane eruption in modern human history,” said John Kessler, a Texas A&M University oceanographer.

OK – well, “so what?”, said our editor-in-chief, who by the way got a lucky “C+” in Earth Science.    Jacques went on to explain what could happen.

According to the ATCA, “a methane bubble this large – if able to escape from under the ocean floor through fissures, cracks and fault areas [or drilling by BP] – is likely to cause a gas explosion. With the emerging evidence of fissures, the tacit fear now is this: the methane bubble may rupture the seabed and may then erupt with an explosion within the Gulf of Mexico waters. The bubble is likely to explode upwards propelled by more than 50,000 psi of pressure, bursting through the cracks and fissures of the sea floor, fracturing and rupturing miles of ocean bottom with a single extreme explosion.”

Click here to view the embedded video.

For instance, in this video from the History Channel, a guy with an accent usually reserved for evil villains says, “The amount of energy which would be released in an explosion … would be about 10,000 times greater than the total nuclear stockpile which is available at this moment.”

ATCA further explains that the amount of water displaced by such a methane gas bubble would generate a tsunami – likely of a magnitude that humanity has never seen before. The possible detonation and fireball has been referred to as “biblical” in size and destruction.

So, it turns out that the oil-slicked beaches might be the least of our worries.  Come to think of it,  maybe we should have Jacques go back to looking for shiny rocks in the parking lot.

LeBron can take the Heat

LeBron James and Director Spike Lee showing "Wonder Twin Powers"

This week, perhaps the most over-hyped basketball player ever, LeBron James, broke up and crushed his long-time partner, the Cleveland Cavaliers.  While most reasonable break-ups are done more respectfully like via a Twitter text, King James decided do it in perhaps the most publicly forum in history, an hour long show broadcast from Ohio (ooh – that’s cold).

And, with all the anger of a jilted Alanis Morissette song, Cavs owner, Dan Gilbert, mocked James and called his decision a “cowardly betrayal“.

Maybe we should just call this “Day One” of the King James marketing machine for the next five years.   For instance, Ford will rename their truck, the LeBronco.  Or get ready to buy the new “LeBrawny Paper Towels”.

BP CEO Hayward looking very concerned about something unrelated to the oil spill.

Finally, someone lit a fire under BP
After repeated Presidential threats, lawsuits from fishermen and begging from coastal residents which were largestly ignored, BP finally found a reason to get a sense of urgency on plugging the giant oil volcano under the Gulf:  their quarterly Earnings Report was coming up on July 27.  So, can you guess their new date to plug the hole? That’s right – July 27. Really, they’re making me embarrassed to be a capitalist. Couldn’t they at least pretend like they weren’t going to finally plug the leak  just to boost their stock price?

So, how about that heat?

Like a BP oil spill, water was spewing out around the nation and swallowing little girls head first.

Since Arizona is making new laws, how about one that outlaws making small talk by saying, “How about that heat?”  This week, the nation was gripped by a heat wave from coast-to-coast which pushed electric grid to the brink,.  The heat is actually making people do wacky things. For instance, one local TV reporter spent the day going around town with a thermal gun and checking the surface temperature of different things. Like a roof which she said was 135 degrees.   And it made the top story of the day!

Come to think of it, with all the hot air this week, and even high temperatures outside, maybe LeBron James might be a good distraction afterall.

On this Independence Day, the editors of Muller Over would like to salute those who are making a sacrifice to preserve our freedom. And far too often, we forget that those making those sacrifices for our country aren’t just those wearing a uniform, but also by those who go to school for months at a time without being able to hug their mom or dad.

So how much sacrifice is being paid to secure that freedom? Or put another way, how much is our freedom worth? Based on the expressions of these young boys and girls, it must be worth an awful lot.

If you watch the Disney Channel, you probably recognize the pint-sized actress, Madison Pettis. When her filming schedule didn’t allow for her to meet her brother when he first arrived in the States, he decided to meet her in an unexpected place.

When Marine Staff Seargent Mike Epperson went to his kids’ school to thank them for their support while he was deployed, he thought he’d also surprise his little girls, Katelyn and Kaylee at the same time.

The memory and devotion of a dog to his owner can be legendary. Fortunately, a video camera was there to catch this reunion between a soldier and a very happy canine.

What happens when a Navy Ensign returns after seven months of being away from his little boy. Just watch.

Did we miss your favorite video? Post a link in the comments below.

The Baseline of all things manly, Tim Taylor

If the manly man, Tim “the Toolman” Taylor, could design a week to show manliness, it would look like this past week.  [Insert Tim Taylor manly grunts of glee]  Testosterone was in the air as there were three bouts of cage-fight toughness that were heard clear around the world.  In each case, a manly winner was crowned as he stood over his conquest triumphantly like a Captain Morgan cartoon.

First Match: Obama vs. McChrystal
In the first bout of manliness, it was the lanky leader of liberty, the president without precedent, Barack Obama!  In the other corner, the General who was a little too specific,  Stanley McChrystal!  As background, this week Rolling Stone Magazine published some very unflattering quotes by General McChrystal about his Commander-in-Chief.

After dissing the General, President Obama turned to the camera and asked the world, "Who Da Man?"

However, In his defense, McChrystal undoubtedly felt completely protected by the knowledge that Rolling Stone Magazine is down to perhaps a half dozen readers who still think Mick Jaggar is cool.  But – Google News got the best of McCrystal and his article was eventually discovered by the President.

In the end, it was clearly evident as to who was “da man”, as Obama summoned the General to the White House only to dismiss McChrystal like a child sent to his room.

Second Match:  Faulkner vs. Bin Laden

Then, in the second bout of Manliness, it’s a bearded construction worker from Colorado, Gary Faulkner, in the midst of a world-wide search for Osama bin Laden.  Frankly, in a real bout of manliness, this really isn’t much of a contest.  Consider this:  Faulkner carries a 40 inch sword on his hunt.  Really!  And night vision goggles.  [Insert more grunts of glee]  And he’s searching Pakistan

Faulkner demostrating his dreaded Three Stooges Eye Poke tactic

to avenge the victims of the 9/11 attack by Bin Laden.  While Bin Laden is cowering in a cave with knees rattling, Faulkner is going all bounty hunter on him.  I’m not sure how good Faulkner is at his quest, but he’s making Chuck Norris start to look like a regular guy.

Final Match:  Isner vs. Mahut

Lastly, it was the battle to end all battles.  The bout where two athletes exchanged shots like Rocky Balboa and Apollo Creed for three straight days.  [More grunts of glee]  It was the giant-sized, 6’9″ American John Isner vs. the Frenchman Nicolas Mahut.  While the two guys played tennis, they showed the grit and raw of those guys from the movie, 300.

Isner proving his manliness by showing his giant feet

Then after three days and a world-record later, John Isner won before he collapsed in exhaustion.  11 hours and 5 minutes of swinging the racquet, and over eight hours just in the fifth set alone.  The MullerOver editors tip our collective hats to the ultimate manliness of Isner.

So – there you have it.  Three men who showed the world who’s da man.  Next, we just have to get Obama, Faulkner and Isner in a cage match to settle this thing once and for all. [insert even more grunts of glee]

It turns out that despite their valiant efforts, BP simply can’t stop the foul and dangerous spew which threatens the U.S. and the company.  No – I’m not talking about the oil spill.  I’m talking about the ridiculous rants of the BP CEO himself.

However, as the fourth largest company on planet Earth, the editors of MullerOver.com had their pens and paper out to learn from the experts in crisis communications.  

Upon reading of the comparison on MullerOver.com to BP's Tony Hayward, publicists for Mr. Burns immediately demanded a retraction.

Comparisons to the Simpson's Mr. Burns may be unfounded. For instance, Hayward has much more hair.

Our findings were so insightful that our MullerOver.com Public Relations department has already starting putting the ingenious lessons into a book which is destined to sell tens of copies.  We’ve decided to give our readers a preview of the book, provided that you still agree to shell over the 12 bucks at Barnes and Noble when it comes out in six months.

Chapter One:  In the case of a disaster, pretend that there’s no disaster. BP has taught us to never be so proud that you can’t act like nothing happened and everyone is making far to big a deal over it.  BP originally claimed just 1000 barrels of oil per day were spilling, where scientists now estimate upwards of 60,000 barrels per day.   As an example of this technique, if questioned respond with,  ”Spill, what spill?  Oh that.  We’re lubricating the water for easier passage by boats.  Hey – did you see that fish jump over there!  Look – way way over there!”

Chapter Two: Minimize, minimize, minimize. BP has shown us that with double speak, you can easily confuse people.  Start speaking about the spill in gallons, liters, barrels and as I heard this morning, “garrols”.  Frankly, no one really knows what a garrol is – we think it’s an imaginary unit of measurement  The next step is to make up an entirely new unit of volume and put everything in that measure.  For instance, “We’re only spilling 7.3 quagees per day.  Now that doesn’t sound like much, does it?”

Chapter Three:  Play the sympathy card. Who didn’t feel a tug at their heartstrings when we heard BP CEO, Tony Hayward, complain that the spill was really hurting his social life and he wanted to get his life back.  The fact is pompous, gazillionaire CEOs are people too.  Just like any of us would do, Hayward needed to rush home this week so he could cheer on his Yacht named “Bob” in the English Yacht races.  As they’d say in Louisiana dripping with sarcasm, “Oh bless his heart.”

Chapter Four.  Minimize those impacted. This is similar to chapter two, but instead of minimizing the disaster, we minimize those who are affected by the disaster.  BP Chairman Carl-Henric Svanberg performed this move brilliantly when he called those who lost their jobs and live on tarnished beaches, “small people”.  What many people didn’t immediately realize is the people who live on the Gulf actually are 14 inches tall and think that tarballs taste like candy.

Chapter Five.  Create Massive Confusion as to Who is In Charge. When in doubt, play musical chairs with the leader.  Is Hayward, Svanberg or a third guy named Dudley in charge?  No one is quite sure.   That way, when the people organize into mobs with torches, they simply don’t know who to chase.

However, years of Simpsons watching has also taught us Americans a valuable lesson from Mr. Burns.  If we’re not getting the response that we need, the next time we see the BP leaders feigning concern on our beaches, we simply can say in the Burns raspy voice, “Release the hounds!”

For this Father’s Day, we think it’s the perfect opportunity to relive the greatest father and son moment in Olympic history.

It started with a routine semi-final 400 meter race at the 1992 Olympic Games in Barecelona.  The 26 year-old star British sprinter, Derek Redmond, felt in great shape.  He started the race and was in control.  His level of confidence was of one who knew he was on his way to a medal later in the day- maybe even a Gold.

Then over the roar of the Spanish crowd, he heard a cracking sound.  He later recounted his thoughts in an interview:

I thought I had been shot. …  A second later I realized my hamstring had gone and my heart sank

Derek’s left leg no longer was following instructions and pain overwhelmed his body.  His seven competitors kept running while his body involuntarily came to a devastating dead stop.

I could see officials running towards me with a stretcher and, even though the other athletes were miles ahead, I still thought I could make the final. If you could have frozen time I would have put everything I owned on it. So I got up and tried to continue.

Although he was surrounded by a stadium of 65,000 people and hundreds of millions watching around the planet, he was completely alone.  For the next 26 seconds, Derek Redmond hopped through unimaginable physical and emotional pain.

Everything I had worked for was finished. I hated everybody. I hated the world. I hated hamstrings. I hated it all. I felt so bitter that I was injured again. I told myself I had to finish. I kept hopping round.

During that same 26 seconds, his father leapt from his seat, ran down the steps, and broke through layers of security beyond count.  The two Redmonds were racing towards one another.  But only one knew it.

Then, with 100 meters to go, I felt a hand on my shoulder. It was my old man

Click here to view the embedded video.

“Derek, it’s me,” his father said.  And when his father came and took his arm, Derek Redmond showed no indication that he was surprised. He didn’t look and wonder how his father made it.  Just as when he was a child, when he was hurt his dad carried him.

When my dad told me I didn’t need to do this, I told him just to help me get back into my correct lane. In that case, he said, we would finish the race together.

The YouTube video tells the rest of the story.  It was a moment for which they will be remembered for decades.  But – it’s wasn’t about a race.  It wasn’t about a hamstring injury.  And it wasn’t about Derek.  It was simply about an incredible love between a father and a son.

The moment wasn’t just Olympic.  It was epic.   And regardless of what the calendar might say, it truly was a Father’s Day.

Robert Green's secret of soaking his hands in vegetable oil before a game may have backfired

Green missed a goal that even Queen Elizabeth could have stopped.

In perhaps the most anticipated match-up between the U.S. and England since the Battle of Bunker Hill, the U.S. took on the English in round one of the World Cup.  And like that Battle in 1775, the Americans showed that we weren’t going to be the push-overs that the English expected.

But – we don’t find that goal the troublesome part of the game.  It’s the score that keeps our editors up at night.  One-to-one.  What?  That’s not a score but a type of conversation.  Sports scores should have two, maybe three digits per side.  In the case of a tie, teams should keep playing until the players drop like flies in exhaustion and it’s just the two goal keepers left standing.

One-to-one is just plain un-American.  Since for the past week, Americans have shown a passing interest in soccer (or toe-ball or whatever they call it everywhere else), we believe we owe it to the world to help them make it interesting.  These ideas aren’t satirical, but real suggestions to allow soccer to have a chance of catching on.   You’re welcome, World.

Idea #1:  Add two additional balls to the game. With three balls in play, the strategy would increase exponentially, as well as the popcorn-chomping entertainment value.  Teams could spread out the balls to split the defense, or consolidate them to keep them guessing.

We're not sure where this team is from, but we're guessing Canada by the color of their handbags

Idea #2:  Introduce a penalty box. Like hockey, soccer could use power plays.  Generally soccer penalties seem to be meaningless.  Perhaps a 1-2 man advantage could change that.

Idea #3:  Allow checking and tackling. If football and hockey have taught us anything, it’s that people love to see someone get cracked in the side.  As a secondary rule, we think goal keepers should be allowed to run the entire field while holding the ball.  Don’t forget, tackling is now allowed.  See how this gets more interesting?

Idea #4: Let George Steinbrenner have a team in the Premier League. Who knows how to buy talent better than old George.  Until the Americans can dominate in a sport, we don’t really care.  Sorry world – it’s the truth.  So, our monopolistic team owner could get Beckham, Ronaldo, and maybe Pele on the same team to stomp over the rest of the world.  That’s how we roll.

You see, soccer has potential.  FIFA stats may say that 2.2 billion people will watch some portion of the tournament, but with a few modifications, who knows, it could finally catch on!

The moment

This week was highlighted by one of the most gut wrenching calls in baseball history.  A 28-year-old right handed pitcher from Venezuela, Armando Galarraga, was a single out from what is one of the most storied and elusive feats in the sport:  the perfect game.  It’s 27 batters walking to the plate followed by 27 batters walking back to the dugout defeated by the pitcher.

It’s one of the rarest feats in any sport – and has never happened in Detroit.  Until Wednesday night.  On what should have been the final play before Galarraga had the ultimate bar story for the rest of his life, the first base umpire simply made the wrong call. Jim Joyce called the runner safe in what we now know clearly was an out.

But – the pitching performance nor the bad call was the remarkable part of the story.  It’s what happened in the next 24 hours that should go down in sports history.

The moment he saw the bad call, Galarraga didn’t charge the judge, but had a surprised and pained smirk and went back to the mound.

Immediately after the game, the umpire, Joyce,  didn’t angrily defend his call or try to self-righteously defend his power.  As a broken man, he gave a deeply-felt apology to Galarraga.

“He probably feels more bad than me,” Galarraga said. “Nobody’s perfect. Everybody’s human. I understand. I give the guy a lot of credit for saying, ‘I need to talk to you.’ You don’t see an umpire tell you that after a game. I gave him a hug.”

A broken umpire, Joyce, standing before Galarraga the following day

What all too commonly would be the sports equivalent of World War III, two giant men empathized with each other and showed their true character.  This is the essence of sports.  It’s not statistics and lists kept in a almanac nor the sum of the actions in a game.  It’s the reactions after the game.  It’s the pursuit of excellence on and off the field.

And the end cap of the story is the fans reaction the following day.  They cheered the pitcher, Galarraga.  And – they cheered umpire Jim Joyce.  Not for their performance on the field, but their performance off.  It was almost the perfect game.   But – imperfection is what makes sports great.  And now we know why.

Before there was Schwarzenegger, there was the original Arnold

First, the life of Gary Coleman.  It’s been said that the single most hazardous job in the country is that of a child star.   With the exceptions of maybe Richie Cunningham and Mike Seaver, it rarely turns out well.  Gary Coleman was no exception.  His career blazed brightly with a catchy tagline and made being small cool.  It seems like only last year that he was on Different Strokes with his pet fish Abraham.

Could Vince Neil win Apprentice? Didn't think so.

And then, another 80′s icon had a very different week.  The lead of the oh-such-big-hair band Poison, Bret Michaels, somehow came out of 20 years of hiding to compete on Donald Trump’s The Apprentice show.  While raising money to fight against juvenile diabetes, it became apparent that Bret was truly a nice guy.  Who knew?  And quite a family man too.  While the show was airing, he fought for his life in the ICU, and somehow made it back just in time to win the show (sorry Holly Robinson – who could compete with that?) and then make a surprise appearance on American Idol’s finale.  Not only that, he’s being discussed as a potential replacement for Simon Cowell on the show.

What’s the lesson from all of this?  Well, we’ll need to mull that over a little more.  But – it shows that the children of the 80′s are squarely in middle age.  And – don’t judge a guy just because they have ridiculous poofy blonde hair and wear more make-up than a Rockette.

Maybe that “Drill baby drill” wasn’t the best Republican mantra in 2008 after all.

I’m pretty sure that the writers of Lost had no idea where the show was going when they started.

Someone stole $125M in art from a Paris Museum.  Man – I hope the heist was just like from the movies with the guy jumping over lasers.

Is it possible that the show “Glee” has jumped the shark in its first season already?

People who are upset that a 13-year-old climbed Mt. Everest are just upset that a 13-year-old already has a cooler life that the rest of us.

Can we all make a pact to never talk about Lindsey Lohan again?  Please?  Actually, I don’t think you should even read that sentence a second time.

It seems that I can think of a dozen ways to stop the oil gushing in the Gulf.  I wonder why they haven’t tried any of them.  Maybe I should call the BP suggestion line.

I’m thinking Facebook has lost it’s luster.  I wonder what’s next?

Remember how Arizona was the only state who didn’t want to acknowledge Martin Luther King Jr. day?  I’m starting to think the whole state is a little racist.

The British elected David Cameron within hours after Gordon Brown unexpectedly resigned.  A county executive can’t get elected without six months of campaigning in the United States.

Did you see that picture of the bull fighter being gored where the horn was going through his throat and coming out his mouth?  Worst thing I’ve ever seen.  Please, I’m begging you, don’t click here.

I think I could have told you American Idol would come down to Crystal and Lee about three months ago and saved us all a lot of time of watching Seacrest.

I really hope that American Idol hangs it up after this season without Simon.

I think everyone knows deep down that Dunkin’ Donuts coffee is far better than Starbucks.  But – saying Starbucks is better makes us sound more discerning and sophisticated.

I have no idea why Drew Barrymore still gets acting jobs.  Really!

Was Saturday Night Live funnier twenty years ago, or does it just seem that way?

You clicked on that picture of the bull fighter, didn’t you?  I told you not to.  Now, try not to get that image out of your head.

I think that Wikipedia has put so much useless knowledge in my head, that I can’t remember anyone’s name anymore.

If I was Barack Obama, I think I’d just call random people out of the phone book just to freak them out.

If Jack Bauer saved the world six times on 24, wouldn’t he be pretty much the most famous guy ever?  How come the bad guys never recognize him when he’s undercover?

I’m not certain if E-Mail is a great idea, or the worst invention in history.

I still think the 80′s was the best cultural decade of the last century.

Why don’t they write songs like, “Total Eclipse of the Heart” anymore?

Ever look at a window washer on the side of a tall building and wonder how they got such a cool job?

I’m pretty sure Elvis Costello is more talented than the Presley version.  I bet he wishes he could have his name back.

If you look closely, you can see the competence leaking from their heads

You know that feeling.  You’re in a corporate conference room and a speaker comes to the front to present a new policy of cover sheets on your TPS Reports.  They distribute a print out which includes of all the slides they’re about to present.  It’s 37 slides of 10 point text!

A wave of panic overcomes you while blood rushes from your face.  You glance over to the windows, but are crushed to find your one possible escape hatch doesn’t open.  You wonder if texting a bomb scare could be traced back to you.  You are then resigned to losing 90 minutes of your life going over five minutes of information.

Millions of doodles are done each day in American conference rooms because of PowerPoint.  In fact, the bad ones have been called “hypnotizing chickens”. And while this has been the bane of the corporate world, a new study by the Editorial Staff of MullerOver has found that Microsoft PowerPoint presentations don’t just kill white-collar brain cells, but actually threaten national security.  It’s true.

According to a NY Times article, General James N. Mattis of the Marine Corps bluntly pointed out what we all at some level already knew, “PowerPoint makes us stupid.” There.  Finally, someone said it.  I feel like starting a slow clap of appreciation.

Cruel and Inhumane Death by PowerPoint?

Later on, General McMaster pointed out, “It’s dangerous because it can create the illusion of understanding and the illusion of control.  Some problems in the world are not bullet-izable.”

The truth is PowerPoint has made us lazy.  We truly are hypnotizing chickens.  It has freed us from being capable orators or writers, and has simply become a crutch for presenters.

But now that we’ve visually numbed ourselves for 15 years with Arial 18 point font, how do we reverse the damage?  We at MullerOver would like to propose this simple, but effective punishment guidelines for every board and conference room in Corporate America:

1. If you cut and paste from a Word document into a PowerPoint slide and call it done, do 50 push-ups in front of the room as a lesson to you and warning to everyone else.

2. If you insert clip-art that comes with any Microsoft product, you must stand in the conference room corner for 30 minutes.

3. If you have a slide full of text and then proceed to read the text-ridden slide to the room, take a week of un-paid leave.

4. If you dare use any sort of audio that comes with PowerPoint, especially the screeching tires when bullets fly in, you must be instantly terminated.  And we’re not talking about losing your job.

Only through sensible but firm policies such as these can we even begin to retrain the millions of  PowerPoint jockeys who create so much misery every day.  And then we hope to start to un-hypnotize all those chickens.

This law should absolutely appall all Americans.  Especially, Conservatives.  Do you remember when you learned about the Nazis in high school and wondered how in the world the German people could let that happen.   I think it started somewhat based on fear for their jobs and welfare of their families.  It started like SB1070.  But in this case, replace the word “Jews” with “Mexicans”.   

A key tenet of conservatism is the government just can’t be trusted. Even with proper motives of legislatures, given enough time, governments abuse power ceded to them by the people.   SB1070 as it’s called makes it a crime for an alien to be in Arizona without carrying legal documents.  Any police officer can demand to see papers from someone they suspect of being an illegal immigrant.

What?  Does that remind you of the old Nazi movies?  It should.   Why doesn’t that scare the daylights out of every American citizen?  I’ll tell you why.  Because most don’t think they’ll be confused for an illegal immigrant.  The “illegals” have brown pigment in their skin and speak Spanish.    And that brings us to the second violation of conservative principles. 

It’s racist.  I’m not saying that the lawmakers are racist, but this law is in its spirit.  Is there much risk of an illegal Canadian immigrant from being caught?  I doubt it.  

Illegal immigration is a problem, but our attention is misplaced.  Can we allow green cards more liberally that require the visitor to return over the border each evening?  Can we put our attention into propping up the Mexican government and economy so escape isn’t the primary focus.  Can we handle this while adhering to the Constitution? 

If you’re a true conservative, you should despise this law.  Afterall, I once saw a Statue in the harbor of New York City that had an interesting message to other countries:

“Keep, ancient lands, your storied pomp!” cries she
‘ With silent lips. “Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!”

Highly controversial sign on NY-PA border

Specifically, we’re talking about the flood of Pennsylvanians and New Jerseyites crossing over the New York border without any sort of challenge.  As a parent of young children, I don’t believe my kids should have to look at someone wearing a Philadelphia Eagles sweatshirt or whatever sport they have in New Jersey.   I even once heard someone refer to our beloved Thruway as the “Turnpike”!  What?  When does the madness stop?

Our New York culture is at stake.  If we don’t do something, it soon could be commonplace to hear Bon Jovi and Bruce Springsteen on our radio stations.  Pizza parlors could sell Philly Cheese Steaks.  And get this – hypothetically, the entire cast of  MTV’s “Jersey Shore” could today just walk right over the George Washington Bridge and visit any New York gym, tanning salon or laundromat.  No – I’m serious.  Most people don’t want to think about that, but it could happen.

Similar to a common drunk test, authorities need a sensible and simple way to tell if someone is driving in New York while being a Pennsylvanian or New Jersian.  A sample four point verbal test is below:

• Ask them to repeat the words “water” and “wash”.
• Ask them to tell a New Jersey joke.  We all know a real New Yorker has at least a dozen on the ready at any given time.
• Ask them about their favorite kind of fireworks?  A trick question – fireworks are illegal in New York.
• Ask them to put the word “use” in a sentence.  Pennsylvanian:  I’d like to use the restroom.  Real New Yorker:  Why are yous asking me a question like that?

Could "The Jersey Shore" soon be, "The New York Shore"?

We’re the “Empire State” for a reason, but there’s some who would be just as happy to make us another Garden or Keystone State.  The silence is now broken.  Where do you stand?

Editors Note:  Since publishing, thousands of people from Massachusetts asked about their admittance to New York.  We believe that movement to and from Massachusetts  can be allowable by simply signing an affidavit affirming that Patriots quarterback, Tom Brady, throws like a girl.