News Commentary

Obama to Congress: Raise the debt limit – or the dog gets it!

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To be fair, the title of this post is not totally, in the most literal sense, 100% accurate. Our MullerOver Legal team wanted to make it clear that President Obama didn’t explicitly say that all the nation’s cutest puppies will have to be euthanized if the debt limit isn’t increased.

But – now that the lawyers aren’t listening anymore, that’s basically what he meant.  

We’re down to the wire, and according to Timmy G., the nation’s money guy, our really big Visa card from China will hit the credit limit on August 2, and we’re on the phone with the card’s customer service department telling Mable why she should raise our credit limit.

If we told Mable that we need more money or we won’t be able to see the new Harry Potter movie this weekend with extra butter on the popcorn, she might sort of balk.  But if we told her that our cute, miniature schnauzer puppy is starving and we need to get dog food, well then, maybe we’d get somewhere.

It’s all about the positioning you see.  It’s hitting people where they’re most vulnerable. Read more »

Arnold Schwarzeneggar is a Pathetic, Skinny, Cowardly “Girly Man”

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Anyone who was around in the 80′s knows Hans and Franz, the recurring Schwarzeneggar wanna-be’s on Saturday Night Live played by Dana Carvey and Kevin Nealon.  The plot was hilarious – the two Austrian accented jugheads would talk about how much they loved working out, flexing their muscles, and lamented the existence of “girly men” who didn’t share their passion for biceps and pectorals.

The premise was that they were real men.  And their hero, the manliest man of them all, was Arnold Schwarzenegger.   Arnold could battle aliens.  Fight the Russians.  And save the world many times over.

And I kind of believed it.

But now that  the special effects operators have gone home along with the writers and stunt men, we see Arnold not as a man, but as the pathetically small little boy that he is. Read more »

Sheen, Kutcher, plan most elaborate “Punk’d” to date

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In a MullerOver world exclusive, we now have breaking details on the most elaborate episode of the hit show, Punk’d, ever imagined.  

Our MullerOver celebrity correspondent, Wendy, took a tour of Warner Brother studios last September when her copy of her NY Times crosswords flew out of her hand and behind a car.  While leaving the tour group to grab the wayward puzzle, she knelt beside the a Prius and heard an incredible conversation between Charlie Sheen and Ashton Kutcher, who apparently did not realize that Wendy was within earshot.

Kutcher reportedly said to Sheen, “Dude, we could make the most legendary punk ever leaving the entire entertainment world with egg on their face.”  Kutcher went on to explain to Sheen how he would develop a persona that would make Lady GaGa look like a cruise ship lounge act. Read more »

Hollywood Continues Improbable Run of “Most Beautiful” People

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This week, adding onto an incredibly improbable streak, Jennifer Lopez was named the Most Beautiful Woman in the World by People Magazine. Mathematicians worldwide were baffled by the astronomic probability of well known American stars who have made the list consecutively.

Jennifer Lopez looking - well, pretty average.

Scientists at Stanford and MIT noted,  ”We’ve gone over the statistics every which way, and we calculate the odds of a current star from Hollywood to make the list every year for 25 consecutive years at one in 1.71 times 10 to the 148th power.”  Or put another way, that would be like flipping a coin 490 times and always getting “heads”.  From a purely statistical perspective, statisticians expect most beautiful woman to come most often from India and China.  The fact that it has always come from from one United States city is incredible.

The basis of the run is that there’s 6.5 billion people in the world, and to date, every “Most Beautiful” person has been among the top 1,000 celebrities in Hollywood.  Assuming that only 25% of the people on earth at at their “peak beauty” in their lifetimes, and counting only women, that makes 850,000,000 women eligible.

“One time in Sydney Australia, I saw a stunning woman as the cashier of a coffee shop.  I can’t believe the judges thought J-Lo was more beautiful than her,” exclaimed Jimmy, the research director at MullerOver.com.

There also have been some conspiracy theorists who hypothesize that People Magazine didn’t actually consider every living woman on the planet.  A People Magazine spokesperson dismissed that as “preposterous”, and noted that they have a staff of 650,000 evaluators who cover every town and village on the planet.

 

In Defense of the NFL Players Association

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If you’ve ever wondered if unions are still relevant today or a quaint anachronism of an oppressive time past, we at MullerOver have just two words for you:  Tom Brady.

Although living in Miami, striking Dan Marino shows his lack of tan legs due to working all the time.

The star player, who had famously inspired Justin Bieber to cut his hair in an effort to look less like Brady, is leading a charge against the owners who hired them.  In Brady’s defense, the NFL has been quite oppressive against the $10M/year player.  Take a look at the complaints of the NFL players, and then think about how fortunate you are that you don’t have to deal with the league on a day-to-day basis:

1.  Weekend Work: The owners are forcing the players to routinely work Sunday afternoons and sometimes evenings.  The Lions and Cowboys have even noted that they are singled out to work on Thanksgiving Day every year.  The majority of the workforce works 8:00-5:00 Mondays through Fridays.  The players would like to schedule games for 9:00 a.m. on Tuesdays.  Of course with a mandatory 15 minute coffee break from 10:00-10:15. Read more »

The Week of the Nerds

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Mark Zuckerberg demonstrating with his hands that if Ashton Kutcher's coolness size is a golfball, his is a beach ball

The 80′s classic Revenge of the Nerds at first glance seemed like a campy but unrealistic film about socially awkward but super intelligent students finally gaining in power. Now, 27 years later the film is being hailed for it’s near prophetic vision of the future.

That change became evident this week when the well reviewed Facebook movie, The Social Network, won a Golden Globe for Best Picture showing that nerdy, sort of jerky introverts are the new cool. Since the Globes aired,  chaos abounded in high school cafeterias when century-old coolness standards were dramatically flipped. Football captains found themselves in lockers, while math club captains were crowned homecoming kings.

“This is a giant shift in the social magnetic poles,” said MullerOver coolness correspondent, Marvin. “The Computer Clubs are now running the schools. We have reports of cheerleaders trying date the members of the Warcraft club, but being summarily dismissed as not up to their standards.” Read more »

Clinton Attempts Brazen Coup d’etat of U.S. Presidency

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MullerOver Exclusive: The United States government was in turmoil on Friday as the nation watched a dramatic and brazen attempt to overtake the helm.  It all started when 42nd President, Bill Clinton, visited the 44th President, Barack Obama.  In a surprise development, the duo decided on a joint press conference with hopes that Clinton could somehow explain Obama’s economic policy.

Clinton Preparing to Declare Himself President while Obama Rushes Off

According to Stevie, our MullerOver White House Corespondent, Obama and Clinton both approached the podium.  After about five minutes, Clinton leaned over to Obama and whispered that he thought he saw Obama leave the iron on back in the Residence.  Obama quickly left to make sure the house didn’t burn down, and Clinton’s eyes lit up.  Our extra observant Stevie noted that Clinton whispered under his breath, “I can’t believe he fell for that.” Read more »

Look at us now! We’ve finally cured Narcissism

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Paris, gazing intently into the eyes of the love of her life

It’s all over the papers.  First Polio, and now we’ve finally cured Narcissism!   No longer do we have to worry about thinking too highly of ourselves.  In fact, I’m going to tweet that.

Here’s the thing.  The NY Times reported this week that the latest version of the authoritative book for mental-health professionals, the Diagnostic Statistical Manual, will no longer list narcissism as a disorder. They previously defined narcissism as  ”a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy that begins in early adulthood and is present in a variety of contexts.”  Or – it’s thinking too highly of ourselves.

I would write a letter to complain about the removal of narcissism, but I’m too busy writing my blog and updating my Facebook page. Read more »

In the Face of Honor

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The elections are over. Our nation looks like a Jr. High cafeteria after a food fight. It’s the aftermath of thousands of American candidates and millions in the American electorate throwing mud at each other, and we now all are in need of a shower. That is what out-of-control, unchecked pride looks like.

And this week, we’ve seen the opposite of that pride.  And his name is U.S. Army Staff Sergeant Salvatore Giunta.

If you haven’t seen a newspaper in the past week, here’s what happened back in 2007 in the Cornwall Valley in Afghanistan.  Which is also called the Valley of Death.  Or by some, “Hell on Earth”.

On October 25, the seven troops of 1st Platoon was heading back to base on a moonlit evening.  Sgt. Brennan was in the lead, followed by Specialist Eckrode, Sgt. Gallardo and Rifle Team Leaders Giunta.

“The world happened at that next step,” recalled Giunta in a 60 Minutes interview.  The Taliban performed an L-shaped ambush, pinning down the soldiers.  The two in front, Brennan and Eckrode were shot, defenseless, and exposed in the open. Read more »

Something smells funny at the “Inverse Femtobarn”

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Looking down the world's most complex machine, the Large Hadron Collider. Or the entrance to Space Mountain in Disney. We're not sure which.

It may be a barn, but not the kind with cows. That cheer you heard off in the distance was our editors at MullerOver when we heard CERN scientists in Switzerland were approaching a whole Inverse Femtobarn with the famed LHC particle accelerator.  We all had an extra spring in our step, and there were high-fives shared in the break room and even rumors of a cookie cake in celebration.

Then someone asked what an “Inverse Femtobarn” was.  Ummm – Good question.

So, our research department immediately checked with the single authoritative source for all-things science:  Wikipedia. And it turns out that a “barn” is a unit of area in particle physics, and “femto-” makes it really small and “inverse” means you’re supposed to sing about it.  Or maybe that’s “in verse”.  Whatever, that’s not important now. Read more »